I would rather...

Set myself on fire than write another Cover Letter

I'm going down an emotional spiral of pure disappointment now that I've given up on my dream of an endless summer (or fall) and am actively trying to get hired somewhere for reals for reals. I'm fully aware that I'm being a complete brat about this process. I really do understand that everyone has to get a job. I understand that in our society, money is exchanged for services, which is then used to buy food, clothing, shelter, one's bar tab and other such life-sustaining necessities. I'm just convinced there has to be some way I can get around that, which doesn't involve prostitution, drug trafficking or selling my Jewish eggs.

You know who I blame for this whole disillusionment (because I am certainly not to blame for attaining this level of obnoxiousness...)? I blame Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld. How dare you, sirs, create and flaunt a false illusion of a lifestyle that could never be. I have two words for the both of you: Cosmo Kramer. That's what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a professional character, a professional quirky best friend. And I want to live comfortable in a nice apartment in the city without doing anything, which I don't think is too much to ask for. But this is a dream that can never be. It's "unrealistic" and I'm being a "selfish" "child" for thinking I can achieve it. Thanks a lot Larry David. I'm going to go kick a young soccer player hopeful in the kneecap as hard as I can to dash his World Cup dreams just to balance out the universe (kidding, I love soccer).

I think the worst part the job hunt is writing cover letters. Whoever invented the cover letter is a real douche. According to any HR person I've talked to, nobody reads them and yet every job requires you waste your time writing one. What is a cover letter? It states what your background is, why you want the job and why you think you would be a good cnadidate, right? Well why you don't take a gander at my resume, which states my background, which in turn qualifies me for the job? And if I'm applying for this job in the first place, I clearly want it, so why must I write you a formal love letter explaining that out of all of the places of employment, YOURS is special and different than the rest and we're a perfect match?

This is a cover letter I just emailed to a prospective employer:

To Whom It May Concern:

I would like to express my interest in applying for [job title] position at [place of employment]. I am very impressed with [place of employment's "unique" characterisitcs found on the 'About Us' portion of the company's website].

My two years at Alice's Rainbow Childcare Center, I plaed an active role in supervising the children, which required effective multitasking every day and installed the value of responsibility in me. Additionally, my on-campus job at the University of Iowa Alumni Association provided me excellent business-setting experience where I was able to refine my communication, clerical, writing, and editing skills; from making "cold" calls to interested membership donors to editing letters for the UIAA President. As a Development Associate Intern at SOS Children's Villages Illinois in their administrative office, I play a key role in writing articles for the organization's newsletter and letters of interest to grant prospects. I am also helping the marketing department with their redesign campaign to ensure more effective promotional attention, onilne fundraising and email communicatino with donors. In addition, I perform daily administrative duties including answering phones, greeting visitors, and various tasks when needed. I manage difficult and stressful situations by staying organized and catering to the clients' needs. I am detailed-oriented and focused on seeing a project through to completion under strict deadlines.

I graduated from the University of Iowa in May 2009 on the Dean's List with a BA in English and minor in Mass Communication. As a two year design and copy editor for the undergraduate literary review Earthwords, I proudly showcased the creative works of students in literature and the arts. I promoted, selected, organized, and edited the mulitple submissions for the magazine. I also designed the cover and layout of the magazine. I am knowledgeable on social media applications such as Facebook, Twitter, and blogging, and equally proficient on PC and MAc software, specifically Microsoft Word, Excel, PowerPoint, and Adobe InDesign. My wpm is 71. These attributes, combined with my enthusiasm to learn, have proved essential during my professinoal and academic careers.

I strongly believe that I am the perfect candidate for this [job title] position. I am eager to learn more entry-level work experience in the [fill in the blank] industry. I look forward to utilizing my skills in writing and working with people. I would be honored to contribute to the innovative staff and direction of [place of employment].

My involvement in extracurricular activities have strengthened my knowledge of working with people, staying organized, handling formal projects and striving for the best, all of which I can effectively apply to the [job title] position.

I have attached my resume for your review and look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely yours,

Allison

Here's what that actually says when you wipe away the bullshit:

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Allison and I need a job. I now live at home with my parents roommates and am havnig a mini crisi which I don't know what I want to do with my life or why I graduated college in this poor economic environment. I need money so I'm applying for your random position to hang at for a bit till I figure out what's up.

I have a college education that is currently doing jackcrap for me while I hustle hard to pay back my European adventure trip I took a week after graduation, which I did nto stay on budget for. But, all that mattters is I have a college education, so I'm super psyched to know that for $22,000 a year for four years you can check that little box next to my name.

I think I'm the perfect candidate for this position because it isn't rocket science and I'm not a blow up doll. I have had jobs before and I didn't burn the places down, so kudos to me. I'll work moderately hard for you depending on how much I like you. If I don't like you, I'll work the bare minimum and spend the rest of the day talking shit about you on gchat and updating my Twitter to pass the time. Therefore, I reccommend you not act like a ass on a power trip, for your sake and mine.

I'm going to level with you, I totally need this. I live with my parents, and while they're cool (sometimes), I'm going crazy! I'm pretty easy to get along with though and have references from various friends who can attest that I'm a good time. So just be a buddy and bring me in for an interview where I'll charm the pants off you. Please? Seriously. I have Jewish eggs if you want them...?

Love always,

Allison

You know what makes me want to cry for 45 minutes and then quit this foolishness and get the inevitable job at Hooters? When I pulled up the cover letter I just wrote to compare it to what it actually means, I found a blaring grammatical error.
FML
and I hate you Seinfeld.